Friends & Loved Ones

CARE provides confidential services, support, and related referrals to all survivors of interpersonal violence at UCSB, including students, staff, faculty, alumni, and connected community members, as well as to their friends and loved ones.  This can include parents, friends, roommates, partners, coworkers, and others.  Whether or not you are part of the UCSB community, if you are supporting a survivor who is, CARE is here for you.

You may be the first person a survivor tells about having experienced interpersonal violence. The way you respond can play a critical role in conveying support and helping them connect with resources. It can impact whether the survivor feels comfortable disclosing to others, including to resources like CARE that can provide professional services to navigate impacts and needs, and can shape the next steps of their healing.

How does this affect me?

No matter if and when a survivor chooses to tell others about their experience of violence, it is important to support the survivor and their decisions. 

Family members, friends, and loved ones are often indispensable support systems for survivors. We encourage all members of a survivor's support system to prioritize their own health during this difficult time. They may experience a range of emotions after learning that their loved one or community member has been hurt. 

How can CARE support me?

CARE  provides assistance to people who are supporting a survivor in their life, including helping them find needed resources and better understand the role they can play in the healing and wellbeing of the survivor. 

Due to CARE’s confidentiality, CARE advocates will not speak directly to a parent, friend, or other support person about a specific survivor or whether they are working with CARE without that survivor’s explicit consent. If a loved one or connected community member calls with questions, CARE is able to provide general information, including about the resources available to survivors on campus and general guidance on how to best support a survivor.

How can I best support the survivors I know?

All parents can start these kinds of conversations early with their loved one: 

Start the conversation early, and have it often. There are many resources online to help you discuss relationships, sex, consent, and personal boundaries with your loved one. Here's one article we like on navigating consent. Be mindful of your survivor's relationship with you and how these conversations could reinforce blaming ideologies. 

If you're wondering how to talk about interpersonal violence with your survivor, here are some advocate-approved suggestions: 

• Listen in a sensitive, caring manner. Be patient and try to avoid interrupting or making statements that may feel judgmental. 
• Don't ask for details about what happened or why it happened. Let survivors share what they are comfortable sharing. Avoid questions that suggest blame. 
• Let them know it's not their fault—no one asks for or deserves to experience violence or trauma. Thank them for feeling that they could come to you. 
• Support them by referring to campus and community resources. Respect their decision whether to seek assistance, even if it is different than what you would choose. You can also help them access these resources by helping them find the contact information for or accompanying them to resources. 
• Seek support for yourself. Supporting someone who has experienced violence can be challenging. Pay attention to your own needs - this could mean setting boundaries, taking extra time for activities that you enjoy, etc. Check out these suggestions for self-care (which we also often recommend to your loved one!).

Know that your supportive, caring presence is great help in and of itself. Survivors who receive positive support and validating reactions when sharing their experiences of violence have better psychological outcomes and heal faster.